Hi everyone!! I haven’t been writing so much lately, but I wrote something! Finally! This is about something that happened recently, and I think I did a decent job of putting it together. Anyways, here we are! Enjoy!

This is lonely, and I am lonely, and this is no one else’s burden to bear but mine. I will close myself off and keep the poison from spreading, wrap a belt around my collarbone and keep the darkness to myself. But this is not a game. You grew up happier than me, safer than me. You still trust the world not to bite you, and who the hell am I to tell you it’s eaten me up in my sleep? But this is not a game. We are not in the same boat, we do not drown the same. When the world makes us angry, you will fight while I will cower. I will fall apart and wring out the ugly parts of myself, the unacceptable parts, the parts I’ve learnt to hate. This is not a game. We don’t laugh, here. It is too dark to light up with happiness. I love you, I love you, but this is not a game. This is not a game.

This has never been a game.

Hello hello everyone!! 2020 is almost over and DEAR GOD are we ready for it to be in the history books and over already! I know I am. Geez I really really hope 2021 is better because I don’t know what I’ll do if it isn’t! Here’s something I wrote for the new year!

I have been here before. It’s always the same story with a new ending, someone’s final hope at redemption and my longing for salvation. This is the last time I will be here, in this chair, waiting for the clock to strike twelve, painting my lips red with ambition for the new year. I will not stain anyone else’s lips tonight.

This time might be different, I think. There is no boy on my arm tonight, and I’m not wishing on behalf of anyone but myself. I think that’s a good thing. I’m happier this time around, some colour’s come back to my cheeks and the world feels softer at the edges. I don’t need to sully some boy’s collar tonight, I’m taking myself back from the world, sitting up. I have fought through sixteen and seventeen, watch me keep going. This is my fight. See me smile.

Hello!! I wrote something!!! It’s a little bit different from my normal vibe, but it’s probably because I’ve been inspired by other people. I just attended a poetry reading and the people who read were absolutely ELECTRIC, I loved all of their styles. That’s kind of where this came from, it let me unlock some stuff that I really did need to write about.

I was fifteen the first time I looked love in the mouth and seventeen when I stepped away from its challenge, declaring myself unworthy. You are all the reasons why. It is one thing to step away and be cruel, look someone square in the face and take a swing. It is quite another to experiment; keep pulling farther for longer, trying to see which one of us was going to snap. It was always going to be me. You’re still my definition for love; I think of tears and stretching when I think of you, reminisce. Sixteen was a breaking down, you know? A canvas of black and white, staring at the ceiling and forgetting how to breathe. It takes a special kind of robbery to steal air from blood, withhold it and ask me to get on my knees. Such foolishness, what a mistake. This was not love, this was a pulling-apart, a reckless jerk at something vital.

Hi!! I cannot believe I’ve had this blog for five years, I think that’s absolutely insane even though it really does feel like I’ve had it forever. I’m really really happy with how far it’s come, especially with my writing. It does feel like I’m forcing myself to write sometimes to keep the one post per month minimum, but to be honest most months I’ve got plenty of posts lined up and I just post them all in a flurry cause I’m so proud of them. I’m really excited, it’s really great that we’ve come this far, and hopefully I can keep it going for a long time after this!

Today I have decided to be brave. I will open my eyes and look you in the eye and fight back the way you never taught me to do. Today I will say goodbye and mean it, turn away and stay gone. This is your battle to fight, and we both know there are no winners. I have been bruised and broken by you, and today is the day I finally walk away. Live your life, don’t you think about me once in a while. I am not yours to think about. Take the kitchen table, the TV, I’m taking myself back. This is my room, not the corner you’ve backed me into. Today I have decided to be brave. And tomorrow? Tomorrow I will be lighter.

Hi! I wrote something else! This time mostly of my own volition! I really like this actually, I think it’s actually really good, and it came out pretty much how I wanted to. It’s more or less about how growing up happens in these little moments we don’t realize, tiny tidbits of maturity until we catch ourselves doing something we know we wouldn’t have done a year ago. Speaking of years… this blog’s five year anniversary is coming up!!! That’s amazing!!!!

This is growing up, here, in the cracks of heartbreak and late-night texts. It hides in the moment you pull back from the edge, swallow angry words for the first time, shake your head and choose not to add to the evil of the world. This is where you learn to stand taller than you are, square your shoulders. Fight back. Not everyone deserves your kindness. Yes, this is a transformation, nestled in the first time you cry alone, the first time you learn that some people will never earn the right to see you like this. This is a learning, a yearning for something less. This is a beginning.

Hi!! This one is refreshingly hopeful, which is exactly what I wanted to get across with it. Things have been really bad lately, and I finally broke down and pushed, and there finally feels like there’s some hope for things to be better, some semblance of a reassurance that I don’t have to suffer for the rest of time.

There’s a new taste in my mouth, the promise of something more than endless days to step through. It’s bitter, but my tears come freely now, and there’s something like hope in the air. Turns out living isn’t as exhausting with the suggestion of more hanging tantalizingly ten steps ahead of me. There’s a light out there somewhere, and it finally feels like I might be able to find it. The promise of sunlight is something I could get drunk on, get burnt from, get destroyed by. But god, the darkness has been suffocating for the longest time; I ran out of warmth before I had a word for the loss. Burn me and fill me up, I’m tired but I’m still here, still kicking.

Hi!! My writing has not… been… happening lately. But it’s fine we’re fine!  July’s almost done, and I haven’t written anything in a while, so this is a piece I wrote a month or so ago that I don’t mind. Here it is!!

This is my unbecoming. Make me translucent, kiss me with white lips and glassy eyes. Push me underwater, pull every ounce of me out of my body and fill me up again. I never asked to be here, but listen to me now, I’m begging to be undone, unmet, unsung. I’m still spinning in a haze of carnival destruction, push me away and pull me back again. This is a peaches-and-cream night, the faint smell of rum in the air. Undo me here, where the world tastes like jam and smoke, where I feel this reckless sense of belonging. I will unbecome myself, go back. Kiss me, pull away too soon. I’m ready.